I Love Math

I love math.  I love to solve long beautiful calculus equations by hand, and mostly, I love to write the symbols of calculus with a soft pencil- a gently curled integral sign, a subscript alpha, a superscript infinity, a slanty "dx," all so lovely.  I used to spend hours on my homework in high school- making sure that every problem was beautifully presented on the page.

It was a Thursday afternoon, as I was intently working on my math homework, when Scarlet called.  Scarlet was my best friend and step sister.  Also, she was my foil in so many ways: While I loved math, she loved football players.  While I had spent 6 weeks of my summer vacation at science camp, she had been to countless parties and concerts.  While I was busy earning my CPR certificate for babysitting, she was landing a job at a record store.  (Scarlet knew everything about pop culture- from celebrities to movies to music.  This was a perfect job for her.)

That Thursday, Scarlet's voice sounded raspy and strange on the phone."Rachel, oh my God, you need to fucking come over to my dad's. Fuck. FUCK!"

"Um, ok," I said.  "But I am not done with my homework yet."

"Oh JESUS FUCK.  I fucked up. . . I need you to come over."  She definitely sounded pretty fucked up. . . Her speech was slurred.  Was she drunk?  Scarlet liked to party, but never after school on a weekday.  At this point I decided something serious was going on.  I was worried.

"Ok calm down.  I'm on my way," I said, and I quickly hung up the phone.  I ran upstairs from my basement room and grabbed the car keys off the hook.  My mom gave me a look- a where are you going and did you finish your homework look.  "Mom, somethings up with Scarlet.  I gotta go, but I promise I'll be back before dinner. Promise!"  She sighed and waved me on.  Before I knew it, I was walking up the long driveway to Scarlet's giant house on the hill.

I rang the doorbell, and I could hear Scarlet's big golden retriever barking on the other side of the door, but nobody answered.  I tried knocking, but still nobody came.  So I walked over to the garage, and put in the code to open the door.  When I got inside, the house was quiet, nobody home except the doggie, who jumped up and licked my face.  "Good boy. That's a good boy," I crooned.  "Scarlet?" I called out. No answer.

I walked up the long flight of stairs to Scarlet's floor of the house and opened the door to her bedroom.  It was a familiar sight- Giant posters of music legends, trendy clothes carpeting the floor, CD's piled high in the corner, and a million photos of Scarlet with all her friends taped all around her mirror.  On the desk, amid random jewelry and a few books, I saw Scarlet's diary laying open.  The page was full of tally marks- 47, I counted.  Then, next to the diary, I saw a big empty bottle of Kahlua, and an empty bottle of Aspirin laying on its side. "The fuck . . . ?" I said aloud.

"Nnnnnnn. . . . That you? Rachel. . . " Scarlet's voice sounded sluggish and far off.  It was coming from the bathroom.

"Oh my God Scarlet! Oh my God, open the door!  Did you take those pills? Shit! Shit!"  I was yelling and trying to open the bathroom door.  Banging with all my strength.  But it was locked, and she wasn't opening it. The reality hit me- she was gonna fucking die.  She was trying to kill herself.  "HELP! FUCK! HELP!" I screamed.  Adrenaline rushed through me and my hair was standing on end.  Nobody was home.  I had to figure out what to do.

I sat down and sobbed and screamed.  Through my tears I looked around her room for something to smash into the door, but then I spotted the cordless phone on Scarlet's bed.  I jumped up, grabbed it, and dialed 911.  "Hello?!  Hello?!  Oh my God my friend took a bunch of pills.  She's locked in the bathroom.  Oh FUCK HELP HELP HELP!!"

"Miss, calm down, calm down.  What is the address?  Help is on the way, but you've gotta be calm.  Take a deep breath.  What is the address?"  I had just spent an hour on my calculus homework, but at that moment I couldn't remember  four simple numbers, the numbers in Scarlet's address.  Their forms and shapes escaped me completely. . . I don't know if I could even have counted to ten.  I pinched my lip with my thumb and forefinger and sobbed into the phone. "I-I-I don't know.  I-I-I can't even think. . . Scarlet. . . No. . . "

"Miss.  You need to walk to the front door.  Go to the front door and look for the address."

I stumbled down the stairs tripping over the dog.  I unlocked the door and stepped out into the blinding light.  I squinted at the numerals pinned to the side of the door.  "5.  It says 5.  It is 5512 Lewis Street."

Mother's Day Dreams

I was not sad on Mother's Day.  To my surprise, I didn't even think of Baby Evie, our little girl who died 3 years ago in the NICU.  Instead, that day, I was swept up with honoring my mom.  I was joyfully distracted by my ever-growing belly. Baby Eddie was busy twisting and kicking as I waddled about, reminding me that he will join us all very soon.  And all afternoon, I happily played with Valerie and Wally- snuggling, watching movies, eating cookies, and laughing together.

But last night I dreamt of Evie.  In my dream, I had to make a deal: I could have Evie back, but I had to abandon the rest of my family forever.  I agreed.  Evie appeared in my arms and I carried her away to live with a friend.  Nobody knew where we were, but I could look through a window and see my family any time.  As I held tiny Evie in my arms, I watched through the window while Kabir played with Valerie and Wally at a park, pushing them on the swings and catching them at the bottom of the slide.  They were so happy together.  They were the perfect picture of a family, the perfect picture of love.  I looked away, and while Evie slept, I wept.  In my dream, I could stroke Evie's tiny toes and kiss her plump cheeks any time, but my God, the price was too high!

This morning I reflected on my dream and talked it through with Kabir.  We agreed that in some ways, Wally and Eddie have replaced Evie.  We actually feel like the picture of the family we always wanted is complete, and our heartbreak is healing.  He acknowledges that the loss we experienced was much easier on him than it was on me, perhaps because as the mommy, I carried Evie in my body, so I knew her differently.  Later this morning, I thought about other mothers who lost older children with big personalities, or other mothers who could not have more children after losing a tiny baby.  Grief must look so different for every bereaved mommy on Mother's Day.

 

Today I am walking through Mother's Day grief.  My dreams reveal truths more profound than my consciousness can articulate.  Today I am wrestling with so many emotions, but it is good for me to do that sometimes.  I am grateful for that dream.  I can have joy in my other children and sorrow in the one I lost all at once.

Gazing at Evie shortly after she was born.

Pregnant with Eddie, who is due June 24.

 

She never got to

Kabir has two cousins who are expecting babies soon.  We are so excited for them- We're all counting down the weeks until their new tiny ones are born!  Also, Kabir and I made some new friends recently who have a sweet little 2-year-old daughter.  Valerie adores this little girl, and Val had the idea that maybe we should give her some old clothes.  Before I knew it, I was washing and packing all Valerie's toddler clothes to give away to her new friend.  Then I started compiling baby clothes, toys, etc. that Wally has already outgrown to give away to our expectant cousins.  I was so excited to share all this baby stuff with people who need it and will really enjoy it! 

 As I touched each baby item, it turned out to be very emotional for me. . . I kept imagining Evie using all the things I was packing up- She never got to use them, and I felt heartbroken all over again as that thought washed over me. I pictured her sleeping peacefully in the co-sleeper.  I imagined her wearing Valerie's adorable onesies as she crawled across our living room floor.  I closed my eyes and thought about watching her first steps wearing those tiny shoes.  I thought about all the missed smiles, tears, laughs, and hugs.  These imagined memories swished through my heart ,and made me cry for hours.  I have this picture in my head of Evie as she would be now at a year-and-a-half.  It feels terrible to hurt so much, but it also feels good to let myself be so sad. . .  I will always love my Evie and miss her and wish she was growing up with us. I wish she got to wear those clothes and use those toys and make all those memories with all that stuff! Ugh- tears again.

Some of you know that I am homeschooling Valerie June this year because we cannot afford preschool.  A couple months ago we were learning about "families",  and I cut out
 figures of members in our family for her to decorate.  We glued them onto sticks to make puppets.  When she was done, she said, "Mommy, where's the Evie puppet?  Do babies grow in heaven?  If they do not, you can just make her small, but don't forget the wings ok?"  I felt so proud that she always thinks of our Evie!  I made the puppet, and she decorated her.  Then Valerie took all her puppets outside and held them up to the sky.  She called out to the clouds,  "EVIE!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!!"  I bit back my tears.


Here is our puppet family, made by Valerie.

 

 

 

 

Growing too fast

Vivacious girl
Attracted to nature and dogs
Loving and sweet
Emotional: anger, sadness, tantrums too
Rocks, coins, sticks, and string for play (every day)
Inventive
Expressive and funny

Jumping on my back, then
Under the bed, hiding (come find me!)
Needs attention much of the time,
Especially now

 

 

 

 

 

Career Path

So, remember how I was all set to switch careers and go into nursing?  Welp, a few months ago I decided not to. . . It is something I am a little embarrassed about, especially after reading my previous blog posts on the subject.  My loved ones who questioned me about my decisions were 100% right to probe:  It turns out I was too emotionally raw to make a career change, and I do love teaching.  During the last months of pregnancy, I volunteered every week at Valerie's preschool.  I enjoyed working with those little kiddos so much, that I began researching preschool philosophies.  After reading library books about Montessori and Waldorf, I became fascinated once again by education in general.  I realized I have been barking up the wrong tree.  I still love education.

At first I felt shame for having wasted so much time, energy, and money on the whole nursing endeavor.  Now I think it is ok- we all start one place and end up somewhere pretty different, don't we?  The time I spent in class was therapeutic in dealing with my pain.  I am just glad to have figured out where my passions lie before spending more of that time, energy, and money.  (P.S, Kabir is a champ.  He counsels me and supports me through thick and thin.)

 I have been thinking deeply about my career.  I wonder how or when I might go back.  Yesterday I met with a former colleague in DPS about returning to work as an instructional coach temporarily this fall.  It was a pleasant meeting, and I got the low down on district changes, updates on the grant (http://www.csrcolorado.org/en/), and details about the position.  They can offer me almost twice what I was making before!  However, I am still leaning toward holding off.  Kabir & I are worried that if I go back to work, our family balance might be thrown far off.  So for now, my career path is TBD.

Self affirmation!



Beautiful Blood Moon Baby

Birth Story

Wally was born at 1:15 am on tax day during the peak of the "Blood Moon" eclipse.  His birth was amazing, and pretty quick, actually. 

The total lunar eclipse on 4-15, Space.Com

 

I had been to my OB in the morning for a little trick to get things started: She used her gloved finger to separate the amniotic membrane from the uterine wall near my cervix.  For a couple of weeks I had been having scattered contractions, and I was showing signs of early labor- I was already dilated to 3cm.  We decided he was ready- so tried this little trick at 8:30 am.  It would release a hormone called prostaglandin which might cause labor to start in a few hours.

 

At 6:30, during dinner at home with my mom, I started to feel painful contractions spaced about 20 min. apart.  I hopped in the shower with Valerie, who watched with concern every time I stopped to moan and breathe.  (I explained that everything was ok, and that I was going to go with Daddy to have the baby soon!) I finished packing my bag and called Kabir to tell him we'd better head out once he got home.  I called my sister Valerie and told her to head straight for the hospital too.  My mom would stay at our house with the big-sister-to-be.  Valerie was pretty sad that I had to go, until we told her that she would get to come in the morning with her big sister shirt and with the little toys she had picked out for her new brother.

 

We finally got on the road at 9:30 and arrived at Avista a little before 10pm.  I wanted that epidural- and I wanted it fast!  It felt like it took forever to get me evaluated, checked in, and prepped.  My sister and Kabir tried their best to distract me from the pain with jokes- but geez I was hurting!!!

 

Then things got a little scary:  First, the epidural only numbed half my body!  I was in pain.  I was also starting to feel very, very sad thinking about Evie.  I cried and shivered and shook.  I begged the anesthesiologist to PLEASE do it again!!  Instead of redoing my epidural, he tilted me to one side and gave me 2 large doses of meds right into my back with a large syringe. . .  That was when I started to feel worse than I have ever felt in my life.  I stopped being able to hear, and my vision got cloudy.  I was ready to vomit but nothing came up.  I thought, okay this is it.  I am going to die. . . I thought about Valerie June and closed my eyes.  Lucky for me, the nurse had been watching very close and immediately saw how my blood pressure was dropping.  It got down to 60 over 30!!!  She rushed and gave me a dose of ephedrine in my IV.  Wow!  I felt good again!  The pain was gone (my legs were two dead logs) and I felt alert!

 

At 1:00 am, my doc came in to check my cervix.  She stood by the computer looking at all the data.  I told her I felt very much like pushing.  (How could that be?  I was completely numb!  But somehow I just felt myself starting to push!)  Dr. M checked me and said I was ready.  She got her gown on, pulled the bottom off the bed, and told me to push. . .  It was like the feeling when you have to vomit and you heave without being able to stop it-  I couldn't help but do it.  Dr. M tried to help me by counting, but I was doing it my own way on my own time.  Heave, heave, heave, there's the head! Heave, he's out!!  That's all it took-  four pushes!  I heard Wally wailing and wailing as they suctioned him.  What a loud, healthy little guy!!  Soon he was on my chest- quiet and alert.  Kabir stroked my hair while I looked at this little rainbow.  We were all so happy!

 

It was about an hour before all the grandparents were allowed to come quietly streaming in.  So much love!  I held Wally while each grandparent silently approached and looked at his beautiful face and the beautiful scene.  There were Chet, Maya, Pearl, my dad, and Netty.  They told me about the strange eclipse and about the warm cookies the nurses had baked for them.  They gave us their blessings and left us to rest in bliss.

 

 

Feelings About Evie

I haven't felt sad about Evie since the labor, even though I think about her almost every day.  Of course I am very tired- Wally is a newborn and he does wake throughout the night to eat.  But no matter how exhausted, I mostly feel relief and joy.  I hold him and kiss him ALL the time.  I appreciate so deeply the fact that he is healthy; the fact that I can control his well being by simply feeding him, changing him, rocking him.  This may sound pretty dark, but when I see Wally sleeping I sometimes think about Evie's face after she died.  She was so peaceful in death and Wally is so peaceful in life.  For me it is not a depressing thought, but kindof a yin-and-yang thought: balance I guess?  Things are as they should be.

Walt on the Way!

We've decided to name the little guy Walter Philip Ananda.  No, it's not because of Breaking Bad!  Everybody asks, and some people have even decided to call him "Heisenberg," but Walter White is quite a villain in our minds!  No, Kabir and I chose the name Walter because it's both unique and traditional at the same time, and because we like how it sounds.  I wonder if maybe we were influenced by the movie WALL-E or by the psychic little boy named Walt in Lost?  Anyway, we plan to call him Wally or Walt for short.  Walter is a Germanic name meaning "ruler of the army,"  so it is a pretty strong name like his sister Valerie (which means brave).  Philip is my dad's name, and means "lover of horses,"  fitting for the year of the horse (and for the son of such a Bronco fan!) Not to mention we love and admire my dad.  So Walter Philip Ananda it is!

Well, Tuesday was Evie's birthday, but it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. . .  Saturday morning before her birthday was tough.  But in the afternoon we had a baby shower for Walt.  It was uplifting and healing to spend time with my friends and family.  There was quite a bit of silliness and laughter!  On Tuesday, Kabir took the day off work, and we had a wonderful family day together.  We read Valerie books that we had read to Evie.  We reminisced about her birth- the trauma, and the joy, and the fear, and everything that came that day.  Kabir played much piano- especially the songs he used to record and play for Evie while she fought in the hospital.  Before bed, Valerie talked about visiting Evie.  Valerie said, "I just wish I could hug her one more time!"  Me too, Pookie, me too.

And now, to lighten our moods a little, here are some photos!

35 Weeks Big!  Between now and birth, his brain will grow by another third compared to it's size now.  Trying to be patient. . . I am 1cm dilated already, but it's probably still weeks away.

Valerie plays preggy.  Actually, I showed her a tasteful video online of a live, un-medicated birth.  Now she grunts and pretends she is having a baby in the corner- too funny!