The Night Before We Found Her

I awoke from an uncomfortable, light sleep to the sound of my cell phone vibrating on my night stand. I slapped at the phone and fumbled to answer the call. “Hello?”

“Vera!”

“Kaylie. . . ?”

“Vera. Oh my god. He dumped me. He dumped me!” Loud sobbing for a long time. . . “I can’t take this!”

“Oh Kaylie. . . I’m so sorry. . . What happened . . . ?”

Sobbing, mumbling, panting. “It’s over. He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. . .”

“You’ll get through this. I know it. You just need some time to clear your head. Maybe it’s ok. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be anyway. You’re strong, smart, beautiful. It’s his loss! I promise!”

“I just can’t. . . I can’t do this anymore. It’s not possible. . . I’m so alone. . .” sobbing.

“You just need to sleep. It’s late! Do you have something that can help you sleep?”

“Yes I do, but. . . ” . . . Long, long pause . . . “What I want right now is to go to sleep and never wake up again. . . .”

Long pause, Quiet. Both of us are breathing.

“I . . . I love you Kaylie. . . I wish I could say it would be ok to do that. . . But it wouldn’t be ok. . . You know that right?”

Long pause. “Yeah. . . I know. . .”

“Don’t call him. Don’t go to Fort Collins to see him. Just leave it be. Do you promise?”

“Yeah. I promise.”

“I’m going out for breakfast with Brittany tomorrow. Call me ok? You can join us if you want. I’ll treat you.”

“Yeah. Ok. . .”

“Bye Kaylie.”

“Bye.”

I was 8 months pregnant that night, and it was late, maybe 12:30 am. The call was surprising, but not shocking. I had been very close with Kaylie through her relationship challenges. I had been close with her through all her mental health struggles, since we were just 8 years old. By now we had been friends for 18 years.

In high school Kaylie was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which to me, made a lot of sense. She had already had many bouts of very deep depression by then, but always rebounded with passion, vigor, and renewed creativity. Kaylie had been on various medications since high school, with adjustments and changes many times over the years. 

That night she was once again living on her own in Denver, and she was changing her meds, with the close supervision of a psychiatrist. She had been with this boyfriend for a few months, and had high hopes for a “true love” connection. But the signs had been trickling through that this relationship might not last. I guess the signs had been trickling through that her mental health was precarious too, but we all missed those signs. . . How did I miss the signs? I didn’t realize the words we exchanged that night would be the forever-goodbye.

Guilt, remorse, shame, regret

 - It comes from not recognizing, this time, that she was on a precipice, a thin edge of ice leading to oblivion.

 - It comes from being too physically and mentally exhausted to listen more carefully to the silence between the words we exchanged the night before she died.

 - It comes from the tiny (but growing) thought, at that time, that maybe her soul deserved rest. She seemed exhausted, like a battered mast weathering storm after storm.

 - It comes from brushing something off and losing my laser vision, from just rolling over and going back to sleep without a second thought. From not thinking about it again until it was far too late.

Did I know, somewhere in my clunky, pregnant brain, that those were the words of a forever-goodbye we spoke that night? How did I miss my chance to save my friend?

Traumatic Memories (Triggering- Beware)

On the night we found that Kaylie had died, I remembered her apartment being completely trashed- clothes everywhere, broken mirrors and picture frames, and sticky notes on the walls with messages of self hatred. “You’re unlovable. . .” “You’re fat and ugly. . .” “You’re an embarrassment. . .” My eyes welled at the sight of those sticky notes. The night was a blur of extreme emotions. Our close friends and family had so many questions over the next few days. I recounted the scene to people who asked. Without giving details, I explained that the place was in a terrible state. . .

But when we went back to clean up Kaylie’s things, to set everything in peaceful order, none of the chaotic scenes I remembered were real. The apartment was tidy. Nothing was broken or trashed at all. Her records were stacked neatly on her shelf beside her turntable. The bed was made, and the laundry was all folded. The dishes were washed and put away. Photos of her friends and family smiled from unbroken frames around the apartment. Every mirror was perfectly intact. And the sticky notes with self-hate messages? There weren’t any of those- not one on any wall or door- as I had seen just days before. Her apartment was actually organized and clean. . . a seemingly calm space despite the harrowing events of that first evening.

So what happened? Did somebody come in before me and clean it all up? Did they remove every chaotic and broken element I had witnessed the night we found Kaylie? No. What happened is this: The terror of that moment. . . finding my friend deceased in her apartment. . . impacted my senses on such a deep level that my brain invented an even more terrible scene. I think I was subconsciously trying to reconcile the horror of that night with the actual calm and quiet of the surroundings in her space. My heart and brain felt the mental agony she had been suffering leading up to her death, and an image of physical chaos was born in my psyche.

Now I sometimes question my other memories of that night, even though there is evidence to corroborate the truth of my experience. One vivid memory is the feeling of Kaylie’s leg- rigid, cold, and gray- blocking our entrance into the bathroom. My sister remembers that part too. . . I also remember the image the coroner showed me, on his digital camera, of Kaylie’s face- swollen and bruised, with dark stringy hair like a giant black wreath atop the bathroom tiles. I thank God I didn’t see her face in person- just on a tiny camera screen. We were never able to enter the bathroom because the door was blocked by her body. Only the emergency responders really saw her where she had died.

My most vivid memory of that entire horrible night was the guttural wail of Kaylie’s mother on the phone. When I called and told her what happened, the sound she made is burned into my heart. . . “Lynnette, Kaylie’s not ok . . .” I said. “It’s really, really bad, Netty. It’s the worst possible. . . Kaylie died. She’s gone. . .” Netty’s voice on the phone in that moment was unbearable. It broke my soul. It was like a wild animal whose limb was broken in a spiked leghold trap, a howl of unspeakable agony. The sound was haunting- leaving me with chills and incredible pain in my gut- even worse than I already felt that night, which doesn’t seem possible given my terror and grief already.

Our memories and our senses deceive us, but in some ways they provide a deeper truth. For months after Kaylie died, I dreamt of black walls covered in eyes looking down at me. Even when awake, I would see a gray leg through a crack in a door or a mat of stringy hair creeping out from dark shadows- just like a horror movie. In the months after Kaylie died, the beautiful colors of Colorado were muted, and the birds never sang. The breeze didn’t blow. Everything moved in slow motion and a dull static sound rang in my ears. The sky was dark. The time after Kaylie’s death was a horror movie made real.

Time has passed now, and many memories of that night have faded like pebbles worn down to sand along a coastline. The pain isn’t gone, but it has dulled enough that I can finally sit down and write about what happened. Almost 16 years after Kaylie died it feels, at last, like a starting point for looking back and beginning to process it.

Mother's Day Dreams

I was not sad on Mother's Day.  To my surprise, I didn't even think of Baby Evie, our little girl who died 3 years ago in the NICU.  Instead, that day, I was swept up with honoring my mom.  I was joyfully distracted by my ever-growing belly. Baby Eddie was busy twisting and kicking as I waddled about, reminding me that he will join us all very soon.  And all afternoon, I happily played with Valerie and Wally- snuggling, watching movies, eating cookies, and laughing together.

But last night I dreamt of Evie.  In my dream, I had to make a deal: I could have Evie back, but I had to abandon the rest of my family forever.  I agreed.  Evie appeared in my arms and I carried her away to live with a friend.  Nobody knew where we were, but I could look through a window and see my family any time.  As I held tiny Evie in my arms, I watched through the window while Kabir played with Valerie and Wally at a park, pushing them on the swings and catching them at the bottom of the slide.  They were so happy together.  They were the perfect picture of a family, the perfect picture of love.  I looked away, and while Evie slept, I wept.  In my dream, I could stroke Evie's tiny toes and kiss her plump cheeks any time, but my God, the price was too high!

This morning I reflected on my dream and talked it through with Kabir.  We agreed that in some ways, Wally and Eddie have replaced Evie.  We actually feel like the picture of the family we always wanted is complete, and our heartbreak is healing.  He acknowledges that the loss we experienced was much easier on him than it was on me, perhaps because as the mommy, I carried Evie in my body, so I knew her differently.  Later this morning, I thought about other mothers who lost older children with big personalities, or other mothers who could not have more children after losing a tiny baby.  Grief must look so different for every bereaved mommy on Mother's Day.

 

Today I am walking through Mother's Day grief.  My dreams reveal truths more profound than my consciousness can articulate.  Today I am wrestling with so many emotions, but it is good for me to do that sometimes.  I am grateful for that dream.  I can have joy in my other children and sorrow in the one I lost all at once.

Gazing at Evie shortly after she was born.

Pregnant with Eddie, who is due June 24.

 

She never got to

Kabir has two cousins who are expecting babies soon.  We are so excited for them- We're all counting down the weeks until their new tiny ones are born!  Also, Kabir and I made some new friends recently who have a sweet little 2-year-old daughter.  Valerie adores this little girl, and Val had the idea that maybe we should give her some old clothes.  Before I knew it, I was washing and packing all Valerie's toddler clothes to give away to her new friend.  Then I started compiling baby clothes, toys, etc. that Wally has already outgrown to give away to our expectant cousins.  I was so excited to share all this baby stuff with people who need it and will really enjoy it! 

 As I touched each baby item, it turned out to be very emotional for me. . . I kept imagining Evie using all the things I was packing up- She never got to use them, and I felt heartbroken all over again as that thought washed over me. I pictured her sleeping peacefully in the co-sleeper.  I imagined her wearing Valerie's adorable onesies as she crawled across our living room floor.  I closed my eyes and thought about watching her first steps wearing those tiny shoes.  I thought about all the missed smiles, tears, laughs, and hugs.  These imagined memories swished through my heart ,and made me cry for hours.  I have this picture in my head of Evie as she would be now at a year-and-a-half.  It feels terrible to hurt so much, but it also feels good to let myself be so sad. . .  I will always love my Evie and miss her and wish she was growing up with us. I wish she got to wear those clothes and use those toys and make all those memories with all that stuff! Ugh- tears again.

Some of you know that I am homeschooling Valerie June this year because we cannot afford preschool.  A couple months ago we were learning about "families",  and I cut out
 figures of members in our family for her to decorate.  We glued them onto sticks to make puppets.  When she was done, she said, "Mommy, where's the Evie puppet?  Do babies grow in heaven?  If they do not, you can just make her small, but don't forget the wings ok?"  I felt so proud that she always thinks of our Evie!  I made the puppet, and she decorated her.  Then Valerie took all her puppets outside and held them up to the sky.  She called out to the clouds,  "EVIE!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!!"  I bit back my tears.


Here is our puppet family, made by Valerie.

 

 

 

 

Growing too fast

Vivacious girl
Attracted to nature and dogs
Loving and sweet
Emotional: anger, sadness, tantrums too
Rocks, coins, sticks, and string for play (every day)
Inventive
Expressive and funny

Jumping on my back, then
Under the bed, hiding (come find me!)
Needs attention much of the time,
Especially now

 

 

 

 

 

Career Path

So, remember how I was all set to switch careers and go into nursing?  Welp, a few months ago I decided not to. . . It is something I am a little embarrassed about, especially after reading my previous blog posts on the subject.  My loved ones who questioned me about my decisions were 100% right to probe:  It turns out I was too emotionally raw to make a career change, and I do love teaching.  During the last months of pregnancy, I volunteered every week at Valerie's preschool.  I enjoyed working with those little kiddos so much, that I began researching preschool philosophies.  After reading library books about Montessori and Waldorf, I became fascinated once again by education in general.  I realized I have been barking up the wrong tree.  I still love education.

At first I felt shame for having wasted so much time, energy, and money on the whole nursing endeavor.  Now I think it is ok- we all start one place and end up somewhere pretty different, don't we?  The time I spent in class was therapeutic in dealing with my pain.  I am just glad to have figured out where my passions lie before spending more of that time, energy, and money.  (P.S, Kabir is a champ.  He counsels me and supports me through thick and thin.)

 I have been thinking deeply about my career.  I wonder how or when I might go back.  Yesterday I met with a former colleague in DPS about returning to work as an instructional coach temporarily this fall.  It was a pleasant meeting, and I got the low down on district changes, updates on the grant (http://www.csrcolorado.org/en/), and details about the position.  They can offer me almost twice what I was making before!  However, I am still leaning toward holding off.  Kabir & I are worried that if I go back to work, our family balance might be thrown far off.  So for now, my career path is TBD.

Self affirmation!



Beautiful Blood Moon Baby

Birth Story

Wally was born at 1:15 am on tax day during the peak of the "Blood Moon" eclipse.  His birth was amazing, and pretty quick, actually. 

The total lunar eclipse on 4-15, Space.Com

 

I had been to my OB in the morning for a little trick to get things started: She used her gloved finger to separate the amniotic membrane from the uterine wall near my cervix.  For a couple of weeks I had been having scattered contractions, and I was showing signs of early labor- I was already dilated to 3cm.  We decided he was ready- so tried this little trick at 8:30 am.  It would release a hormone called prostaglandin which might cause labor to start in a few hours.

 

At 6:30, during dinner at home with my mom, I started to feel painful contractions spaced about 20 min. apart.  I hopped in the shower with Valerie, who watched with concern every time I stopped to moan and breathe.  (I explained that everything was ok, and that I was going to go with Daddy to have the baby soon!) I finished packing my bag and called Kabir to tell him we'd better head out once he got home.  I called my sister Valerie and told her to head straight for the hospital too.  My mom would stay at our house with the big-sister-to-be.  Valerie was pretty sad that I had to go, until we told her that she would get to come in the morning with her big sister shirt and with the little toys she had picked out for her new brother.

 

We finally got on the road at 9:30 and arrived at Avista a little before 10pm.  I wanted that epidural- and I wanted it fast!  It felt like it took forever to get me evaluated, checked in, and prepped.  My sister and Kabir tried their best to distract me from the pain with jokes- but geez I was hurting!!!

 

Then things got a little scary:  First, the epidural only numbed half my body!  I was in pain.  I was also starting to feel very, very sad thinking about Evie.  I cried and shivered and shook.  I begged the anesthesiologist to PLEASE do it again!!  Instead of redoing my epidural, he tilted me to one side and gave me 2 large doses of meds right into my back with a large syringe. . .  That was when I started to feel worse than I have ever felt in my life.  I stopped being able to hear, and my vision got cloudy.  I was ready to vomit but nothing came up.  I thought, okay this is it.  I am going to die. . . I thought about Valerie June and closed my eyes.  Lucky for me, the nurse had been watching very close and immediately saw how my blood pressure was dropping.  It got down to 60 over 30!!!  She rushed and gave me a dose of ephedrine in my IV.  Wow!  I felt good again!  The pain was gone (my legs were two dead logs) and I felt alert!

 

At 1:00 am, my doc came in to check my cervix.  She stood by the computer looking at all the data.  I told her I felt very much like pushing.  (How could that be?  I was completely numb!  But somehow I just felt myself starting to push!)  Dr. M checked me and said I was ready.  She got her gown on, pulled the bottom off the bed, and told me to push. . .  It was like the feeling when you have to vomit and you heave without being able to stop it-  I couldn't help but do it.  Dr. M tried to help me by counting, but I was doing it my own way on my own time.  Heave, heave, heave, there's the head! Heave, he's out!!  That's all it took-  four pushes!  I heard Wally wailing and wailing as they suctioned him.  What a loud, healthy little guy!!  Soon he was on my chest- quiet and alert.  Kabir stroked my hair while I looked at this little rainbow.  We were all so happy!

 

It was about an hour before all the grandparents were allowed to come quietly streaming in.  So much love!  I held Wally while each grandparent silently approached and looked at his beautiful face and the beautiful scene.  There were Chet, Maya, Pearl, my dad, and Netty.  They told me about the strange eclipse and about the warm cookies the nurses had baked for them.  They gave us their blessings and left us to rest in bliss.

 

 

Feelings About Evie

I haven't felt sad about Evie since the labor, even though I think about her almost every day.  Of course I am very tired- Wally is a newborn and he does wake throughout the night to eat.  But no matter how exhausted, I mostly feel relief and joy.  I hold him and kiss him ALL the time.  I appreciate so deeply the fact that he is healthy; the fact that I can control his well being by simply feeding him, changing him, rocking him.  This may sound pretty dark, but when I see Wally sleeping I sometimes think about Evie's face after she died.  She was so peaceful in death and Wally is so peaceful in life.  For me it is not a depressing thought, but kindof a yin-and-yang thought: balance I guess?  Things are as they should be.