Wally on the Way!

We've decided to name the little guy Walter Philip Ananda.  No, it's not because of Breaking Bad!  Everybody asks, and some people have even decided to call him "Heisenberg," but Walter White is quite a villain in our minds!  No, Kabir and I chose the name Walter because it's both unique and traditional at the same time, and because we like how it sounds.  I wonder if maybe we were influenced by the movie WALL-E or by the psychic little boy named Walt in Lost?  Anyway, we plan to call him Wally or Walt for short.  Walter is a Germanic name meaning "ruler of the army,"  so it is a pretty strong name like his sister Valerie (which means brave).  Philip is my dad's name, and means "lover of horses,"  fitting for the year of the horse (and for the son of such a Bronco fan!) Not to mention we love and admire my dad.  So Walter Philip Ananda it is!

Well, Tuesday was Evie's birthday, but it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. . .  Saturday morning before her birthday was tough.  But in the afternoon we had a baby shower for Walt.  It was uplifting and healing to spend time with my friends and family.  There was quite a bit of silliness and laughter!  On Tuesday, Kabir took the day off work, and we had a wonderful family day together.  We read Valerie books that we had read to Evie.  We reminisced about her birth- the trauma, and the joy, and the fear, and everything that came that day.  Kabir played much piano- especially the songs he used to record and play for Evie while she fought in the hospital.  Before bed, Valerie talked about visiting Evie.  Valerie said, "I just wish I could hug her one more time!"  Me too, Pookie, me too.

And now, to lighten our moods a little, here are some photos!

35 Weeks Big!  Between now and birth, his brain will grow by another third compared to it's size now.  Trying to be patient. . . I am 1cm dilated already, but it's probably still weeks away.

Valerie plays preggy.  Actually, I showed her a tasteful video online of a live, un-medicated birth.  Now she grunts and pretends she is having a baby in the corner- too funny!

31 weeks 6 days

Today is the day that our Rainbow turns 31 weeks and 6 days old inside the womb- the exact age Evie was when she was born. (http://www.feetuponground.blogspot.com/2013/04/stars-align.html)  Crazy to think it has not even been a year since that fateful day we met Evie.  Also crazy to think that it has been so long now since she was born and since she died. 

I feel relieved and awed by our Rainbow.  He moves more than Evie ever did.  I think about how tiny Evie was at 3.5 lbs., and how amazing her tiny body was despite being so sick.  Our Rainbow must be about that size now too, and would probably live if he were born today.  If Evie hadn't been so sick, she would have survived being born that early too. Of course, she wouldn't have been thrust into the open world so soon if it weren't for CMV and the urgent need to get her out and try to help her body heal.

A 31 week baby- lots more growing to do! 

Still needs much brain development, lung development, and lots more weight.

I remember those first few days at the hospital while recovering from my C-section.  Strange to think about being happy, even in the face of all that trauma.  I remember Valerie June coming to visit, lying together in my bed, and watching a movie while we snuggled.  I remember really enjoying the food and the attention of all the young nurses who cared for me.  I remember the way my mom and dad took care of me like a little girl again- massaging my feet, brushing my hair, attending to everything I couldn't take care of myself. 

In a weird way, I was happy to see Evie the next morning in the NICU, even if I felt a little detached from her.  It is a wonderful feeling to give birth- no matter the circumstance, I think.  I wonder if I would have still felt some happiness even if Evie had been stillborn.  She was a tiny miracle that grew from my body, perfect in her own way.

I saw this video today, and it made me think about beautiful Evie. It is a photographer who volunteers to do NICU photo shoots.  (Click on the link below the photo to see the little clip.)

http://vimeo.com/58859293#at=0

Updates on Our Rainbow

First off, as many now know, he is a boy!  What I haven't made quite as public is the difficulty of that day in November when we found out he was a boy. . .  

During that ultrasound I asked lots of questions about our baby's apparent health- "What was the fluid level?  How was the bowel?  What about the heart, the lungs?  And the brain?  Do you see any soft markers for anything abnormal?" Everything looked perfect.  When the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender, I looked carefully at the screen and determined for myself- boy.  All along I had been so certain he was a little she, so I was pretty shocked and speechless for a few hours after that.  Later, at home, I started to cry and cry and cry.  Kabir stayed home from work and tried to comfort me: "I am a boy," he said, "and we're not so bad!  Really!"  I chuckled through my sniffles and tried to figure out why I was so sad; Our little guy was healthy after all. . . Then I realized that some deep part of me had been hoping and thinking this was going to be baby Evie again- another chance with her.  By seeing he was a boy, I was forced to confront the reality that this is a new and different baby.  It's a little hard to face that fact, and it might be hard forever.  At the same time, I am overjoyed at the thought of having a son.  I think about all the men in my life that I love and admire.  I am so honored to be the mother of a little man myself!

Peek-a-boo! I am a boy!

In other news- I do not have gestational diabetes!  Woohoo!  I failed my 1hr glucose test (barely), but then I passed my 3hr test last week.  I was sure I had it because I have been feeling fatigued and my heart rate really spikes when I eat too much sugar. . . but no diabetes.  Still, I am eating less carbs and exercising much more just in case.

Loving car-themed gifts from Nona and handmade hat/booties bought by Ita in Chile.

Peas and Carrots hand-me-down from big sister.

 

Gummy-bear boy, 12 weeks old.  A long time ago now!



Grief's Denial and Acceptance

Analytical Frenzy

This week in my microbiology class we delved into the intricacies of antibodies, vaccines, and latent viral infections.  My brain went crazy with the flood of new knowledge related to CMV. . . Since there were only three of us in class on this snowy day, I got the chance to ask many of the questions that have been circling my brain . . .

Why isn't there a vaccine for CMV but we have one for chicken pox (which is related)?
Could I have directly given Evie my serum (and CMV antibodies) to help her fight the infection?
Why do certain viruses like chicken pox and CMV stay latent in you forever?
What are the chances they'll start replicating again and causing symptoms?
Why do some viruses cross the placenta while others don't?
Why do some viruses cross the blood-brain barrier while others don't?
Do antibodies cross the placenta?  If yes, do all of them or just some of them? Why?
How do fetus immune cells "learn" what is self and what is invader?  How can we help educate those cells?
Besides vaccines and immunoglobin, how can doctors support antiviral immune function in neonates?

There were even more questions than that. . . it was a firestorm of questions.  My poor professor gave me a lot of "I don't know." She also gave me a lot of, "That is a very active field of research right now."  I was left stressed and worried, wishing I had known enough to ask some of those questions when Evie was alive.  I was also left with traumatic flashbacks of conversations with doctors.  In fact, this analytical firestorm brought back many of the terrible heartbreaking moments of our time in the NICU- I was always trying to understand exactly what was happening inside her body.  But understanding and being able to DO something were very far separated from each other.

Intellectual Rebellion

I came home and thought about my need to understand the very complicated ins and outs of Evie's infection.  Why?  Why can't I leave it alone and accept that what happened just happened? It was out of my control! 

I have read all about the "stages of grief" and found them to be an annoying bunch of lies that minimize the true experience of grief.  But today I thought- aha!  My "denial stage" is manifesting as intellectual rebellion.  I am trying to find scientific reasons why the terrible thing that happened is impossible.  And on the other hand, if I can learn to explain precisely how it happened, then maybe I can accept that it did happen.  Taking microbiology (and interrogating my professor) are my ways of coming to accept Evie's death.

Rainbows

A Rainbow Baby is a baby you have after experiencing the loss of a baby.  Rainbows come after storms carrying happiness and light. . .  At the same time, they don't negate the storm.  They remind you of the dark that came before.

We have a rainbow coming in April.  We were taking precautions (or so we thought!) but I ended up missing my period at the end of July.  I knew instantly I was pregnant, even after 3 negative pregnancy tests.  Sure enough, a blood test came back positive in mid-August.  It was very much a surprise, because we had decided to wait a while for emotional and physical reasons: My OB said it's good to wait about a year before trying so that the C-section can completely heal.  I was also feeling very raw still about Evie, finding it difficult to imagine how to love another baby after everything we've been through. 

Truthfully, it was a shock- and very scary- at first.  Of course we were planning to try for another baby at some point, but this was way too soon.  Kabir was distressed and worried about my health and the new baby's health.  Meanwhile, I felt very deep guilt about somehow "replacing" Evie.  I still worry that we are being too hasty.  I worry that we are not honoring Evie's life and her spirit by adding another family member so soon.  I have felt ashamed and kept the news pretty quiet.  Normally I'd probably blurt this kindof thing out the second I knew about it, but guilt, shame, and fear have kept me from sharing about our little rainbow until now.

A few months have gone by since we got the news, and we are slowly adjusting to the idea that this is really happening.  I know my close family and friends are happy for us, and we are mostly happy now too.  But being pregnant is not the healing gift it might seem.  I struggle daily with all kinds mixed emotions about everything our family is going through.  I think often about Evie and her short, hard life and wish she could be here and be healthy.

Physically, I am feeling very well, although my OB has been following things very closely.  Fortunately, CMV is like chicken pox- once you have had it, your body has built up defenses and it is not going to kick back up and affect future pregnancies.  I am still of course on edge from time to time about any possible complication.  I felt our new baby move for the first time about a week ago, and I felt a GIGANTIC sense of relief. 

I have already put on quite a bit of weight and my belly is pretty big already.  New friends at school have started asking me whether we have a little one coming.  I can't really hide it anymore- so here we go- the news is out!  If you see me out and about, you won't have to wonder.  Yes.  We have a tiny rainbow on the way...

Valerie June: A Silly Willy

Valerie is about to turn three.  She is a little munchkin with a sneaky twinkle in her eye! I get to stay home with her three days a week.  We do all kinds of fun things together, like walk to the park, go swimming, dig in the sandbox, etc.  Recently, she started dance lessons at the rec.  It is really fun and new!

Valerie speaks her mind no matter what.  ("Mommy, that is a big no no.  And you might need to go to time out if you do that!" -referring to me trying to put on her pajamas.)  Valerie loves attention, and she is very active!  Her favorite game right now is to tie a shoe lace to her scooter and pretend it is her dog.  She takes the scooter-dog for walks every day and feeds him too.  She also likes playing with her little toy school bus and taking her toy people around the house in there.  Enjoy these photos of my little sidekick:

Hours upon hours in the new sandbox Kabir built.

Baking cookies on a rainy day.

"Dad, I am focusing on this right now, so don't distract me ok?" (This is seriously what she said.)

Spoon lick.

Shy?

Proud!

Happy!

3 Months Now

I am back at school full swing, which is fun and challenging!  My favorite class is microbiology, since we get to learn about all manner of infectious diseases and we get to use microscopes every day (read: nerdtastic!)  We each have to present one disease to the class, and I requested to present CMV.  I explained to the professor that my baby died of that disease, but then I regretted telling her so much personal information.  It's a strange thing to tell people "my baby died." . . It is an overwhelming aspect of my identity, but it is also extremely personal and sometimes makes other people feel awkward.  I think it is something I will try to keep to myself a little better from now on.

Kabir, Valerie, and I are adapting to the new challenges of such a busy schedule.  Sundays are our essential "family day" when we all get to be together for an extended period of time.  We go to the pool or play at the park, or simply hang out lazily around the house.  Sometimes we get sucked into house projects like painting or landscaping, but usually our Sundays are pretty relaxed.  Valerie turns 3 next weekend, and she is getting really excited about having a birthday party!

It's hard to believe that it has been 3 months since Evie died.  She would be 6 months old on September 18th.  Sometimes I think about what we might be doing together right now- snuggling, nursing, laughing, playing.  Evie might be sitting up and giggling and gurgling by now.  Maybe tasting her first carrots.  I miss her and often I dream about her- that we are together like nothing ever happened and she had been born just fine.

One thing I am grateful for that Evie taught me all about is the ability to reach new depths of emotion that I hadn't before.  For example, I now cry almost every time I listen to the news. . . World events are incredibly appalling.  I feel such deep empathy for those who experience loss.  On the surface, it might be annoying to break down and feel so saddened for an hour or two after hearing the news.  But when I sit and let myself feel pain, I realize that this depth of emotion and depth of empathy are really beautiful human things.  Basically, I feel more human than I did before losing Evie, and I think that is good.

Two sleepy-Sunday-monkeys

Faux mustache

Very nerdie selfie of me in my new scrubs for CNA class.