As I touched each baby item, it turned out to be very emotional for me. . . I kept imagining Evie using all the things I was packing up- She never got to use them, and I felt heartbroken all over again as that thought washed over me. I pictured her sleeping peacefully in the co-sleeper. I imagined her wearing Valerie's adorable onesies as she crawled across our living room floor. I closed my eyes and thought about watching her first steps wearing those tiny shoes. I thought about all the missed smiles, tears, laughs, and hugs. These imagined memories swished through my heart ,and made me cry for hours. I have this picture in my head of Evie as she would be now at a year-and-a-half. It feels terrible to hurt so much, but it also feels good to let myself be so sad. . . I will always love my Evie and miss her and wish she was growing up with us. I wish she got to wear those clothes and use those toys and make all those memories with all that stuff! Ugh- tears again.
Some of you know that I am homeschooling Valerie June this year because we cannot afford preschool. A couple months ago we were learning about "families", and I cut out
figures of members in our family for her to decorate. We glued them onto sticks to make puppets. When she was done, she said, "Mommy, where's the Evie puppet? Do babies grow in heaven? If they do not, you can just make her small, but don't forget the wings ok?" I felt so proud that she always thinks of our Evie! I made the puppet, and she decorated her. Then Valerie took all her puppets outside and held them up to the sky. She called out to the clouds, "EVIE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!" I bit back my tears.
Here is our puppet family, made by Valerie. |