She never got to

Kabir has two cousins who are expecting babies soon.  We are so excited for them- We're all counting down the weeks until their new tiny ones are born!  Also, Kabir and I made some new friends recently who have a sweet little 2-year-old daughter.  Valerie adores this little girl, and Val had the idea that maybe we should give her some old clothes.  Before I knew it, I was washing and packing all Valerie's toddler clothes to give away to her new friend.  Then I started compiling baby clothes, toys, etc. that Wally has already outgrown to give away to our expectant cousins.  I was so excited to share all this baby stuff with people who need it and will really enjoy it! 

 As I touched each baby item, it turned out to be very emotional for me. . . I kept imagining Evie using all the things I was packing up- She never got to use them, and I felt heartbroken all over again as that thought washed over me. I pictured her sleeping peacefully in the co-sleeper.  I imagined her wearing Valerie's adorable onesies as she crawled across our living room floor.  I closed my eyes and thought about watching her first steps wearing those tiny shoes.  I thought about all the missed smiles, tears, laughs, and hugs.  These imagined memories swished through my heart ,and made me cry for hours.  I have this picture in my head of Evie as she would be now at a year-and-a-half.  It feels terrible to hurt so much, but it also feels good to let myself be so sad. . .  I will always love my Evie and miss her and wish she was growing up with us. I wish she got to wear those clothes and use those toys and make all those memories with all that stuff! Ugh- tears again.

Some of you know that I am homeschooling Valerie June this year because we cannot afford preschool.  A couple months ago we were learning about "families",  and I cut out
 figures of members in our family for her to decorate.  We glued them onto sticks to make puppets.  When she was done, she said, "Mommy, where's the Evie puppet?  Do babies grow in heaven?  If they do not, you can just make her small, but don't forget the wings ok?"  I felt so proud that she always thinks of our Evie!  I made the puppet, and she decorated her.  Then Valerie took all her puppets outside and held them up to the sky.  She called out to the clouds,  "EVIE!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!!"  I bit back my tears.


Here is our puppet family, made by Valerie.