Mother's Day Dreams

I was not sad on Mother's Day.  To my surprise, I didn't even think of Baby Evie, our little girl who died 3 years ago in the NICU.  Instead, that day, I was swept up with honoring my mom.  I was joyfully distracted by my ever-growing belly. Baby Eddie was busy twisting and kicking as I waddled about, reminding me that he will join us all very soon.  And all afternoon, I happily played with Valerie and Wally- snuggling, watching movies, eating cookies, and laughing together.

But last night I dreamt of Evie.  In my dream, I had to make a deal: I could have Evie back, but I had to abandon the rest of my family forever.  I agreed.  Evie appeared in my arms and I carried her away to live with a friend.  Nobody knew where we were, but I could look through a window and see my family any time.  As I held tiny Evie in my arms, I watched through the window while Kabir played with Valerie and Wally at a park, pushing them on the swings and catching them at the bottom of the slide.  They were so happy together.  They were the perfect picture of a family, the perfect picture of love.  I looked away, and while Evie slept, I wept.  In my dream, I could stroke Evie's tiny toes and kiss her plump cheeks any time, but my God, the price was too high!

This morning I reflected on my dream and talked it through with Kabir.  We agreed that in some ways, Wally and Eddie have replaced Evie.  We actually feel like the picture of the family we always wanted is complete, and our heartbreak is healing.  He acknowledges that the loss we experienced was much easier on him than it was on me, perhaps because as the mommy, I carried Evie in my body, so I knew her differently.  Later this morning, I thought about other mothers who lost older children with big personalities, or other mothers who could not have more children after losing a tiny baby.  Grief must look so different for every bereaved mommy on Mother's Day.

 

Today I am walking through Mother's Day grief.  My dreams reveal truths more profound than my consciousness can articulate.  Today I am wrestling with so many emotions, but it is good for me to do that sometimes.  I am grateful for that dream.  I can have joy in my other children and sorrow in the one I lost all at once.

Gazing at Evie shortly after she was born.

Pregnant with Eddie, who is due June 24.