3 Months Now

I am back at school full swing, which is fun and challenging!  My favorite class is microbiology, since we get to learn about all manner of infectious diseases and we get to use microscopes every day (read: nerdtastic!)  We each have to present one disease to the class, and I requested to present CMV.  I explained to the professor that my baby died of that disease, but then I regretted telling her so much personal information.  It's a strange thing to tell people "my baby died." . . It is an overwhelming aspect of my identity, but it is also extremely personal and sometimes makes other people feel awkward.  I think it is something I will try to keep to myself a little better from now on.

Kabir, Valerie, and I are adapting to the new challenges of such a busy schedule.  Sundays are our essential "family day" when we all get to be together for an extended period of time.  We go to the pool or play at the park, or simply hang out lazily around the house.  Sometimes we get sucked into house projects like painting or landscaping, but usually our Sundays are pretty relaxed.  Valerie turns 3 next weekend, and she is getting really excited about having a birthday party!

It's hard to believe that it has been 3 months since Evie died.  She would be 6 months old on September 18th.  Sometimes I think about what we might be doing together right now- snuggling, nursing, laughing, playing.  Evie might be sitting up and giggling and gurgling by now.  Maybe tasting her first carrots.  I miss her and often I dream about her- that we are together like nothing ever happened and she had been born just fine.

One thing I am grateful for that Evie taught me all about is the ability to reach new depths of emotion that I hadn't before.  For example, I now cry almost every time I listen to the news. . . World events are incredibly appalling.  I feel such deep empathy for those who experience loss.  On the surface, it might be annoying to break down and feel so saddened for an hour or two after hearing the news.  But when I sit and let myself feel pain, I realize that this depth of emotion and depth of empathy are really beautiful human things.  Basically, I feel more human than I did before losing Evie, and I think that is good.

Two sleepy-Sunday-monkeys

Faux mustache

Very nerdie selfie of me in my new scrubs for CNA class.