Every time I sit down to type these days, I invariably end up writing about my sadness and pain. . . but today I am determined to share something other than depression! In truth, there are some things going on that bring me full joy in spite of all the heartache. The biggest joy is the prospect of becoming a nurse! I have now enrolled in prerequisites at Front Range for the fall; plus I will take a nurse aide course. In the spring, I'll get a job as a CNA while I apply to Regis and CU.
Some friends and family have expressed concern about this dramatic move so soon after losing Evie. I am grateful for those who challenge me to think deeply about it. Here are some questions posed to me and some thoughts I have in response:
Aren't your emotions too raw to make such a life-changing decision as switching careers?
Yes and no. I realize that this goal of nursing might be a way of filling the void in my heart. I also realize that I am lost and unsure of my identity. I am sometimes unstable, prone to tears at random times, and distracted. These emotions are the exact reason I set this goal for myself! One thing I know about me is that I thrive on intellectual challenge and I love learning something new. I don't do well sitting at home and contemplating myself and my emotions. . . I want to get out and do something. I want to reinvent myself.
You absolutely love teaching right? Why leave that behind?
What I love most about teaching is serving disadvantaged kids- boosting them toward success and valuing them as individuals. I view nursing in a similar light. I still have much to learn about the career options out there once I graduate, but I know I will find something that fulfills me to the core. I will have a chance to value & help disadvantaged individuals. Perhaps I can even go into public health- something like planned parenthood or another clinic that serves people who might otherwise not have access to healthcare. After spending so much time with the doctors and nurses in the NICU, I am enthralled by the human body, and I can't wait to learn more. I love the idea of providing physical and emotional care.
What about having another baby?
It hasn't been long since Evie died, but I would be lying if I said I didn't desperately want a baby again. It is a tangled bundle of desires: Do I want a baby or do I want my Evie? Are we ready for all the apprehension of being pregnant again? Is my "biological clock" ticking? What if the pregnancy goes badly again? What if we don't even get pregnant? . . . If I had to pick between having a baby and going back to school, I would pick having a baby. Definitely. But the anxiety surrounding getting pregnant threatens to overtake me! So I am going to do this nursing thing, and maybe we'll get pregnant too. If that happens, we'll reassess.
As I type all this out, I am sitting here feeling flooded with love for Kabir, who stands beside me through my crazy impulsiveness and loves me and holds me up no matter what. This man is a gem.
My dear, it is so exciting to set a goal. And for any of those doubts about changing careers - hey, try it. If you don't love it, you still have a teaching degree. Or you could teach nursing. The world is yours. Grab it and get all you can out of it! I personally love going to school so I completely understand your thought here. You will make a truly caring nurse, just as you were/are as a teacher. Go get 'em!
ReplyDeleteSometimes a great tragedy shoves us through a door that we never even knew existed. Everything unfolds its perfection whether it gives us great joy or tears our hearts apart, it all has purpose. One of life's greatest challenges is to "Trust the Process".
ReplyDeleteYour very own heart will guide you as each step opens a new idea, a new opportunity, or maybe even an open time where you don't think anything is happening. I used to tell myself to mentally jump forward five years and look back on 'now',knowing how it all worked out in its own miraculous way.
At this time in my life I watch the troubles and trials of loved ones around me and marvel at how over and over, tragedies turn in to the greatest opportunities as time passes. Evie has left an open space of what might have been in your life, it was all planned out and kind of lived in your 'dream' future, you must give up that dream, and it is almost like you die, but keep on living because you now have a whole new life dream to live. No one can tell you how your new life 'should' unfold, that comes from your own sweet Soul, be patient, listen to its whispers and Trust Its Process. I am sure that in the future when you look back on Now, you will marvel at this Amazing Life you are experiencing and how beautifully it all fit together piece by piece.
With love and compassion I offer these words of encouragement gained through my own experience in recovering from the loss of my own life dream.
Lois
Vera....your thoughtful strength is inspirational. I have a book I'd love to send you that has, through reading, been a door to my head, thoughs and heart and how I see myself, my life and the future. It's about Journaling. Send me your address. My email is Matt@MattMakowski.com. Lots of love to you and Kabir.
ReplyDeleteMatt
Dearest Vera,
ReplyDeleteWe talked a lot about nursing when I was there and will talk much more when I am back in Colorado next month. I so admire your strength and determination. And I look forward to being close by and supporting you on this journey. As you probably know- I have accepted a full time faculty position in the nursing department (beginning in September) at Pueblo Community College. After I get settled in you should come down and visit.
As for question number two- you are not leaving teaching behind when you become a nurse- we are teachers- it is a central part of our role in promoting health and well being for our patients. The gifts you have as a teacher will be used every day you practice, first as a nursing student and then as a nurse.
Please don't hesitate to call any time you have questions or just want to talk. It was so wonderful spending time with you and your family, and thanks so much sharing your memories of Evie with Rachel and I. We love you! See you soon.
Love,
Joannie