It was so heart-wrenching to watch my garden sprout and grow while my baby didn't have that chance. Why do they get to start small and make wonderful progress day by day? How is that fair? I pour my love into those veggies, but it hurts.
Pregnant Women and My Empty Body
I cannot look away from all the glowing and beautiful pregnant women I spot out and about. . . My longing is so very deep. Meanwhile at home I look at my tiny, empty breasts and my still-poochy abdomen in the mirror and feel disgusted by the failure that is my body.
Certain Places
The mall, the library, and the park are places with a very high concentration of newborns. I notice them and mostly look away. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in those places and shouldn't even go. I wonder where I might belong now? I tried going to visit the NICU, since that was practically my home for so long. People were very happy to see me and hugged me, but I felt physically sick. I could barely even look at them. I wanted to go to Evie's room so badly, just to make sure she was really gone, but there was another baby in there, and I decided it would be weird to ask.
Sometimes I just cannot escape feeling really dark and awful. It helps to close my eyes and fantasize about the woods or a meadow or a rocky shore. If I am feeling really, really bad, I imagine the wind howling and pushing on me, my hair whipping and my arms spread wide. Or I imagine salty waves crashing on me and knocking me under the sea, where I tumble on the sandy bottom.
Oh, my dear friend. My heart is completely broken. You are doing the impossible every single day. I planted flowers for Evie the week things had taken a turn. They are pink and purple and thriving. They both fill my heart and break my heart.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to compliment big-bellied women at the store and have turned away in tears out of my overwhelming grief for you and your family.
Your body is not a failure: you have produced your beautiful Valerie. You have nursed her alive. You are everything a mother is.
Evie was not meant for this world, and in her peace, we all will grieve.
Take this one minute at a time and know that you are not alone. I love you dearly and am here at any moment you might need me...for a walk, or tea, or help with laundry. Please let me know how to help. I want to help.
If your grief takes you over completely, dear friend, please make sure you really ask for help. I know you will know when that is, but now you just read as a mom who has to live on after experiencing the greatest heartache imaginable.
You have all of my love, Vera.
Any time, day or night, please call: 303-929-5853. I am here for you the second you need me.
All my love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
DeleteI am touched by your kind, heartfelt words. I am grateful for the depth of your empathy!! You are such a treasure. It took me a while to come to a better frame of mind and write back, but this message was really helpful in getting out of that dark place! Thank you, friend.
Love,
Vera