Grief's Denial and Acceptance

Analytical Frenzy

This week in my microbiology class we delved into the intricacies of antibodies, vaccines, and latent viral infections.  My brain went crazy with the flood of new knowledge related to CMV. . . Since there were only three of us in class on this snowy day, I got the chance to ask many of the questions that have been circling my brain . . .

Why isn't there a vaccine for CMV but we have one for chicken pox (which is related)?
Could I have directly given Evie my serum (and CMV antibodies) to help her fight the infection?
Why do certain viruses like chicken pox and CMV stay latent in you forever?
What are the chances they'll start replicating again and causing symptoms?
Why do some viruses cross the placenta while others don't?
Why do some viruses cross the blood-brain barrier while others don't?
Do antibodies cross the placenta?  If yes, do all of them or just some of them? Why?
How do fetus immune cells "learn" what is self and what is invader?  How can we help educate those cells?
Besides vaccines and immunoglobin, how can doctors support antiviral immune function in neonates?

There were even more questions than that. . . it was a firestorm of questions.  My poor professor gave me a lot of "I don't know." She also gave me a lot of, "That is a very active field of research right now."  I was left stressed and worried, wishing I had known enough to ask some of those questions when Evie was alive.  I was also left with traumatic flashbacks of conversations with doctors.  In fact, this analytical firestorm brought back many of the terrible heartbreaking moments of our time in the NICU- I was always trying to understand exactly what was happening inside her body.  But understanding and being able to DO something were very far separated from each other.

Intellectual Rebellion

I came home and thought about my need to understand the very complicated ins and outs of Evie's infection.  Why?  Why can't I leave it alone and accept that what happened just happened? It was out of my control! 

I have read all about the "stages of grief" and found them to be an annoying bunch of lies that minimize the true experience of grief.  But today I thought- aha!  My "denial stage" is manifesting as intellectual rebellion.  I am trying to find scientific reasons why the terrible thing that happened is impossible.  And on the other hand, if I can learn to explain precisely how it happened, then maybe I can accept that it did happen.  Taking microbiology (and interrogating my professor) are my ways of coming to accept Evie's death.