Rainbows

A Rainbow Baby is a baby you have after experiencing the loss of a baby.  Rainbows come after storms carrying happiness and light. . .  At the same time, they don't negate the storm.  They remind you of the dark that came before.

We have a rainbow coming in April.  We were taking precautions (or so we thought!) but I ended up missing my period at the end of July.  I knew instantly I was pregnant, even after 3 negative pregnancy tests.  Sure enough, a blood test came back positive in mid-August.  It was very much a surprise, because we had decided to wait a while for emotional and physical reasons: My OB said it's good to wait about a year before trying so that the C-section can completely heal.  I was also feeling very raw still about Evie, finding it difficult to imagine how to love another baby after everything we've been through. 

Truthfully, it was a shock- and very scary- at first.  Of course we were planning to try for another baby at some point, but this was way too soon.  Kabir was distressed and worried about my health and the new baby's health.  Meanwhile, I felt very deep guilt about somehow "replacing" Evie.  I still worry that we are being too hasty.  I worry that we are not honoring Evie's life and her spirit by adding another family member so soon.  I have felt ashamed and kept the news pretty quiet.  Normally I'd probably blurt this kindof thing out the second I knew about it, but guilt, shame, and fear have kept me from sharing about our little rainbow until now.

A few months have gone by since we got the news, and we are slowly adjusting to the idea that this is really happening.  I know my close family and friends are happy for us, and we are mostly happy now too.  But being pregnant is not the healing gift it might seem.  I struggle daily with all kinds mixed emotions about everything our family is going through.  I think often about Evie and her short, hard life and wish she could be here and be healthy.

Physically, I am feeling very well, although my OB has been following things very closely.  Fortunately, CMV is like chicken pox- once you have had it, your body has built up defenses and it is not going to kick back up and affect future pregnancies.  I am still of course on edge from time to time about any possible complication.  I felt our new baby move for the first time about a week ago, and I felt a GIGANTIC sense of relief. 

I have already put on quite a bit of weight and my belly is pretty big already.  New friends at school have started asking me whether we have a little one coming.  I can't really hide it anymore- so here we go- the news is out!  If you see me out and about, you won't have to wonder.  Yes.  We have a tiny rainbow on the way...