She never got to

Kabir has two cousins who are expecting babies soon.  We are so excited for them- We're all counting down the weeks until their new tiny ones are born!  Also, Kabir and I made some new friends recently who have a sweet little 2-year-old daughter.  Valerie adores this little girl, and Val had the idea that maybe we should give her some old clothes.  Before I knew it, I was washing and packing all Valerie's toddler clothes to give away to her new friend.  Then I started compiling baby clothes, toys, etc. that Wally has already outgrown to give away to our expectant cousins.  I was so excited to share all this baby stuff with people who need it and will really enjoy it! 

 As I touched each baby item, it turned out to be very emotional for me. . . I kept imagining Evie using all the things I was packing up- She never got to use them, and I felt heartbroken all over again as that thought washed over me. I pictured her sleeping peacefully in the co-sleeper.  I imagined her wearing Valerie's adorable onesies as she crawled across our living room floor.  I closed my eyes and thought about watching her first steps wearing those tiny shoes.  I thought about all the missed smiles, tears, laughs, and hugs.  These imagined memories swished through my heart ,and made me cry for hours.  I have this picture in my head of Evie as she would be now at a year-and-a-half.  It feels terrible to hurt so much, but it also feels good to let myself be so sad. . .  I will always love my Evie and miss her and wish she was growing up with us. I wish she got to wear those clothes and use those toys and make all those memories with all that stuff! Ugh- tears again.

Some of you know that I am homeschooling Valerie June this year because we cannot afford preschool.  A couple months ago we were learning about "families",  and I cut out
 figures of members in our family for her to decorate.  We glued them onto sticks to make puppets.  When she was done, she said, "Mommy, where's the Evie puppet?  Do babies grow in heaven?  If they do not, you can just make her small, but don't forget the wings ok?"  I felt so proud that she always thinks of our Evie!  I made the puppet, and she decorated her.  Then Valerie took all her puppets outside and held them up to the sky.  She called out to the clouds,  "EVIE!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!!"  I bit back my tears.


Here is our puppet family, made by Valerie.

 

 

 

 

Growing too fast

Vivacious girl
Attracted to nature and dogs
Loving and sweet
Emotional: anger, sadness, tantrums too
Rocks, coins, sticks, and string for play (every day)
Inventive
Expressive and funny

Jumping on my back, then
Under the bed, hiding (come find me!)
Needs attention much of the time,
Especially now

 

 

 

 

 

Career Path

So, remember how I was all set to switch careers and go into nursing?  Welp, a few months ago I decided not to. . . It is something I am a little embarrassed about, especially after reading my previous blog posts on the subject.  My loved ones who questioned me about my decisions were 100% right to probe:  It turns out I was too emotionally raw to make a career change, and I do love teaching.  During the last months of pregnancy, I volunteered every week at Valerie's preschool.  I enjoyed working with those little kiddos so much, that I began researching preschool philosophies.  After reading library books about Montessori and Waldorf, I became fascinated once again by education in general.  I realized I have been barking up the wrong tree.  I still love education.

At first I felt shame for having wasted so much time, energy, and money on the whole nursing endeavor.  Now I think it is ok- we all start one place and end up somewhere pretty different, don't we?  The time I spent in class was therapeutic in dealing with my pain.  I am just glad to have figured out where my passions lie before spending more of that time, energy, and money.  (P.S, Kabir is a champ.  He counsels me and supports me through thick and thin.)

 I have been thinking deeply about my career.  I wonder how or when I might go back.  Yesterday I met with a former colleague in DPS about returning to work as an instructional coach temporarily this fall.  It was a pleasant meeting, and I got the low down on district changes, updates on the grant (http://www.csrcolorado.org/en/), and details about the position.  They can offer me almost twice what I was making before!  However, I am still leaning toward holding off.  Kabir & I are worried that if I go back to work, our family balance might be thrown far off.  So for now, my career path is TBD.

Self affirmation!



Beautiful Blood Moon Baby

Birth Story

Wally was born at 1:15 am on tax day during the peak of the "Blood Moon" eclipse.  His birth was amazing, and pretty quick, actually. 

The total lunar eclipse on 4-15, Space.Com

 

I had been to my OB in the morning for a little trick to get things started: She used her gloved finger to separate the amniotic membrane from the uterine wall near my cervix.  For a couple of weeks I had been having scattered contractions, and I was showing signs of early labor- I was already dilated to 3cm.  We decided he was ready- so tried this little trick at 8:30 am.  It would release a hormone called prostaglandin which might cause labor to start in a few hours.

 

At 6:30, during dinner at home with my mom, I started to feel painful contractions spaced about 20 min. apart.  I hopped in the shower with Valerie, who watched with concern every time I stopped to moan and breathe.  (I explained that everything was ok, and that I was going to go with Daddy to have the baby soon!) I finished packing my bag and called Kabir to tell him we'd better head out once he got home.  I called my sister Valerie and told her to head straight for the hospital too.  My mom would stay at our house with the big-sister-to-be.  Valerie was pretty sad that I had to go, until we told her that she would get to come in the morning with her big sister shirt and with the little toys she had picked out for her new brother.

 

We finally got on the road at 9:30 and arrived at Avista a little before 10pm.  I wanted that epidural- and I wanted it fast!  It felt like it took forever to get me evaluated, checked in, and prepped.  My sister and Kabir tried their best to distract me from the pain with jokes- but geez I was hurting!!!

 

Then things got a little scary:  First, the epidural only numbed half my body!  I was in pain.  I was also starting to feel very, very sad thinking about Evie.  I cried and shivered and shook.  I begged the anesthesiologist to PLEASE do it again!!  Instead of redoing my epidural, he tilted me to one side and gave me 2 large doses of meds right into my back with a large syringe. . .  That was when I started to feel worse than I have ever felt in my life.  I stopped being able to hear, and my vision got cloudy.  I was ready to vomit but nothing came up.  I thought, okay this is it.  I am going to die. . . I thought about Valerie June and closed my eyes.  Lucky for me, the nurse had been watching very close and immediately saw how my blood pressure was dropping.  It got down to 60 over 30!!!  She rushed and gave me a dose of ephedrine in my IV.  Wow!  I felt good again!  The pain was gone (my legs were two dead logs) and I felt alert!

 

At 1:00 am, my doc came in to check my cervix.  She stood by the computer looking at all the data.  I told her I felt very much like pushing.  (How could that be?  I was completely numb!  But somehow I just felt myself starting to push!)  Dr. M checked me and said I was ready.  She got her gown on, pulled the bottom off the bed, and told me to push. . .  It was like the feeling when you have to vomit and you heave without being able to stop it-  I couldn't help but do it.  Dr. M tried to help me by counting, but I was doing it my own way on my own time.  Heave, heave, heave, there's the head! Heave, he's out!!  That's all it took-  four pushes!  I heard Wally wailing and wailing as they suctioned him.  What a loud, healthy little guy!!  Soon he was on my chest- quiet and alert.  Kabir stroked my hair while I looked at this little rainbow.  We were all so happy!

 

It was about an hour before all the grandparents were allowed to come quietly streaming in.  So much love!  I held Wally while each grandparent silently approached and looked at his beautiful face and the beautiful scene.  There were Chet, Maya, Pearl, my dad, and Netty.  They told me about the strange eclipse and about the warm cookies the nurses had baked for them.  They gave us their blessings and left us to rest in bliss.

 

 

Feelings About Evie

I haven't felt sad about Evie since the labor, even though I think about her almost every day.  Of course I am very tired- Wally is a newborn and he does wake throughout the night to eat.  But no matter how exhausted, I mostly feel relief and joy.  I hold him and kiss him ALL the time.  I appreciate so deeply the fact that he is healthy; the fact that I can control his well being by simply feeding him, changing him, rocking him.  This may sound pretty dark, but when I see Wally sleeping I sometimes think about Evie's face after she died.  She was so peaceful in death and Wally is so peaceful in life.  For me it is not a depressing thought, but kindof a yin-and-yang thought: balance I guess?  Things are as they should be.

Walt on the Way!

We've decided to name the little guy Walter Philip Ananda.  No, it's not because of Breaking Bad!  Everybody asks, and some people have even decided to call him "Heisenberg," but Walter White is quite a villain in our minds!  No, Kabir and I chose the name Walter because it's both unique and traditional at the same time, and because we like how it sounds.  I wonder if maybe we were influenced by the movie WALL-E or by the psychic little boy named Walt in Lost?  Anyway, we plan to call him Wally or Walt for short.  Walter is a Germanic name meaning "ruler of the army,"  so it is a pretty strong name like his sister Valerie (which means brave).  Philip is my dad's name, and means "lover of horses,"  fitting for the year of the horse (and for the son of such a Bronco fan!) Not to mention we love and admire my dad.  So Walter Philip Ananda it is!

Well, Tuesday was Evie's birthday, but it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. . .  Saturday morning before her birthday was tough.  But in the afternoon we had a baby shower for Walt.  It was uplifting and healing to spend time with my friends and family.  There was quite a bit of silliness and laughter!  On Tuesday, Kabir took the day off work, and we had a wonderful family day together.  We read Valerie books that we had read to Evie.  We reminisced about her birth- the trauma, and the joy, and the fear, and everything that came that day.  Kabir played much piano- especially the songs he used to record and play for Evie while she fought in the hospital.  Before bed, Valerie talked about visiting Evie.  Valerie said, "I just wish I could hug her one more time!"  Me too, Pookie, me too.

And now, to lighten our moods a little, here are some photos!

35 Weeks Big!  Between now and birth, his brain will grow by another third compared to it's size now.  Trying to be patient. . . I am 1cm dilated already, but it's probably still weeks away.

Valerie plays preggy.  Actually, I showed her a tasteful video online of a live, un-medicated birth.  Now she grunts and pretends she is having a baby in the corner- too funny!

31 weeks 6 days

Today is the day that our Rainbow turns 31 weeks and 6 days old inside the womb- the exact age Evie was when she was born. (http://www.feetuponground.blogspot.com/2013/04/stars-align.html)  Crazy to think it has not even been a year since that fateful day we met Evie.  Also crazy to think that it has been so long now since she was born and since she died. 

I feel relieved and awed by our Rainbow.  He moves more than Evie ever did.  I think about how tiny Evie was at 3.5 lbs., and how amazing her tiny body was despite being so sick.  Our Rainbow must be about that size now too, and would probably live if he were born today.  If Evie hadn't been so sick, she would have survived being born that early too. Of course, she wouldn't have been thrust into the open world so soon if it weren't for CMV and the urgent need to get her out and try to help her body heal.

A 31 week baby- lots more growing to do! 

Still needs much brain development, lung development, and lots more weight.

I remember those first few days at the hospital while recovering from my C-section.  Strange to think about being happy, even in the face of all that trauma.  I remember Valerie June coming to visit, lying together in my bed, and watching a movie while we snuggled.  I remember really enjoying the food and the attention of all the young nurses who cared for me.  I remember the way my mom and dad took care of me like a little girl again- massaging my feet, brushing my hair, attending to everything I couldn't take care of myself. 

In a weird way, I was happy to see Evie the next morning in the NICU, even if I felt a little detached from her.  It is a wonderful feeling to give birth- no matter the circumstance, I think.  I wonder if I would have still felt some happiness even if Evie had been stillborn.  She was a tiny miracle that grew from my body, perfect in her own way.

I saw this video today, and it made me think about beautiful Evie. It is a photographer who volunteers to do NICU photo shoots.  (Click on the link below the photo to see the little clip.)

http://vimeo.com/58859293#at=0

Updates on Our Rainbow

First off, as many now know, he is a boy!  What I haven't made quite as public is the difficulty of that day in November when we found out he was a boy. . .  

During that ultrasound I asked lots of questions about our baby's apparent health- "What was the fluid level?  How was the bowel?  What about the heart, the lungs?  And the brain?  Do you see any soft markers for anything abnormal?" Everything looked perfect.  When the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender, I looked carefully at the screen and determined for myself- boy.  All along I had been so certain he was a little she, so I was pretty shocked and speechless for a few hours after that.  Later, at home, I started to cry and cry and cry.  Kabir stayed home from work and tried to comfort me: "I am a boy," he said, "and we're not so bad!  Really!"  I chuckled through my sniffles and tried to figure out why I was so sad; Our little guy was healthy after all. . . Then I realized that some deep part of me had been hoping and thinking this was going to be baby Evie again- another chance with her.  By seeing he was a boy, I was forced to confront the reality that this is a new and different baby.  It's a little hard to face that fact, and it might be hard forever.  At the same time, I am overjoyed at the thought of having a son.  I think about all the men in my life that I love and admire.  I am so honored to be the mother of a little man myself!

Peek-a-boo! I am a boy!

In other news- I do not have gestational diabetes!  Woohoo!  I failed my 1hr glucose test (barely), but then I passed my 3hr test last week.  I was sure I had it because I have been feeling fatigued and my heart rate really spikes when I eat too much sugar. . . but no diabetes.  Still, I am eating less carbs and exercising much more just in case.

Loving car-themed gifts from Nona and handmade hat/booties bought by Ita in Chile.

Peas and Carrots hand-me-down from big sister.

 

Gummy-bear boy, 12 weeks old.  A long time ago now!