In no particular order:
It was really hard to visit Evie at first because it felt like she was somebody else's baby. Sometimes I still feel that way.
I am terrified that Evie will be severely handicapped. . . mostly because I don't know anybody who is really handicapped, and I don't know what it would be like.
I desperately want to go see every other baby in the NICU. Why am I so curious? Why do I want to compare? I don't know.
I'm scared that Evie won't learn how to nurse. (I know she will learn to eat, but breast feeding is really special/important to me.)
Sometimes I am really scared Evie will die. I worry about that at least once a day.
I want to know everything about CMV, and I also don't want to know anything at all, because the possible long-term outcomes scare me.
I want to meet the other mommies I see in the NICU, but I am too scared to introduce myself.
I've cried in front of Valerie June WAY too many times.
When Evie comes home, I will not be away from her for even 2 seconds!!! She will sleep in our room until she hits puberty I think.
I don't want people to ever stop praying for Evie, even when she comes home, even when she is super healthy. (And she will come home!)
Dear Vera,
ReplyDeleteI love so much that you posted your "confessions." I just wish I could take you in my arms and give you absolute answers to soothe your fears. But I can't, her precious life is unfolding moment by moment. I do know one or two absolutes, we are her family & we will stick by her forever, and you, Kabir & Valerie are the best family Evie could every find!!
Love Mamma Momo
Oh my dear Vera!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the breast feeding I couldn't nurse Nathan for so long but I pumped every two hours like you I never felt I'd allow him to leave my side the connection is so deeply rooted!
I did learn that when I finally brought him home I still needed the sound of the pump to release my milk.
You may be far away but you and your little one are in my prayers always. Carole